Waves and vibration
I am not the same everyday. It was always hard for me to follow a routine because there are days when none of the things I am supposed to be doing make any sense to me. From time to time my life needs a reset.
I am not the same everyday. Sometimes I am completely in love with a song and then I wake up one day and I can't listen to the whole thing. Until I wake up again with it in my mind and I just have to put it on.
I have phases too. I have been doing yoga almost everyday during this period of quarantine, but then I wake up one day and I can't stand the thought of staying on those uncomfortable poses and my mind just doesn't quiet down anymore during shavasana.
Should I force myself to keep doing the same stuff? I don't see why I would do that when life gives me so many different possibilities of things to do. Why force myself to write when there are so many other ways to express myself? Why make myself write when it's painful if I can paint, or cook, or dance?
Let's take meditation, for example. Sometimes it makes sense to sit or lay down, close my eyes, focus on my breath, maybe repeat some mantras. I feel calm, I achieve different mental states, I am able to organize some thoughts. Then sometimes it makes no sense at all. What do I do then? I force myself to stay in that same position and do the same things that won't quiet my mind anymore? I just don't do any type of meditation at all? I believe I have so many other options. I can go for a walk and contemplate the view. Walk on the sand and focus on the rough feeling on my feet. Loose myself in the movement of the waves. Follow the mountains in their endless ups and downs. Right now, going out for a walk is not a really good option though, but there are many other ways. There is one I really enjoy which is listening to music. I actually have a kind of a ritual for loosing my mind a little and entering this other universe with the aid of music. It is also funny to me to realize, when experimenting with music, that I end up arriving to the limitations of my own disfuncional mind. I will try to explain.
I get my headphones and connect them to my phone, I turn the noise canceling on and I choose a playlist with songs that make me feel something. Now I am not sure I can explain what I mean by that or how to choose a type of song. I choose the ones that vibrate my whole body. I turn the volume all the way up. Then I move on to closing the curtains and doors and windows or anything that let light comes in. I don't necessarily have it completely dark, sometimes I leave some light come through, but I make sure I am controlling how much. So what happens is, I am inside this shell of darkness and sound. I no longer exist in the world and the world no longer exists for me. I close my eyes and I let the music guide me. The different waves generated by the song's vibration take over my brain and emanate to my whole body. I move around, dancing if you want to call that dancing, eyes closed, nothing matters. I focus more and more on the song, more and more in each and every single sound. There is no thought, I merely exist and experience the music. At least until my mental disturbances kick in. I feel that if I could focus long enough I would achieve the nirvana, I would arrive to this amazing place, I would finally cross that portal to the other side. But at a certain point my mind goes back to thinking, and it thinks fucked up stuff that invites fear inside. For example: I am alone in my house, everything is closed, I am moving like a crazy person in the dark with my eyes shut, I can't hear anything but the music I am playing and then I become afraid that someone is going to come and attack me with a knife. I get so scared that I have to open my eyes and I go back to ground zero. But why? I don't know... Where does this fear come from? I know no one is going to magically enter my apartment, but yet I can't avoid those thoughts and the feelings they evoke. I think again about that thing I told myself during an yoga session, "just let go", and that's exactly what I am not able to do when I am experiencing music with my eyes closed for so long. I am terrified of loosing control.
In spite of my incapability of loosing my mind, those experiences with music are really satisfying. I move around and I feel my body with much more attention than I would normally. I get goosebumps all over. I approach my hands from my own arms or tights and I feel the heat even before they touch my skin. I become every sensation. And in the end I feel I am a little bit a different person, calmer, rested, reseted.
I am not the same everyday. Sometimes I am completely in love with a song and then I wake up one day and I can't listen to the whole thing. Until I wake up again with it in my mind and I just have to put it on.
I have phases too. I have been doing yoga almost everyday during this period of quarantine, but then I wake up one day and I can't stand the thought of staying on those uncomfortable poses and my mind just doesn't quiet down anymore during shavasana.
Should I force myself to keep doing the same stuff? I don't see why I would do that when life gives me so many different possibilities of things to do. Why force myself to write when there are so many other ways to express myself? Why make myself write when it's painful if I can paint, or cook, or dance?
Let's take meditation, for example. Sometimes it makes sense to sit or lay down, close my eyes, focus on my breath, maybe repeat some mantras. I feel calm, I achieve different mental states, I am able to organize some thoughts. Then sometimes it makes no sense at all. What do I do then? I force myself to stay in that same position and do the same things that won't quiet my mind anymore? I just don't do any type of meditation at all? I believe I have so many other options. I can go for a walk and contemplate the view. Walk on the sand and focus on the rough feeling on my feet. Loose myself in the movement of the waves. Follow the mountains in their endless ups and downs. Right now, going out for a walk is not a really good option though, but there are many other ways. There is one I really enjoy which is listening to music. I actually have a kind of a ritual for loosing my mind a little and entering this other universe with the aid of music. It is also funny to me to realize, when experimenting with music, that I end up arriving to the limitations of my own disfuncional mind. I will try to explain.
I get my headphones and connect them to my phone, I turn the noise canceling on and I choose a playlist with songs that make me feel something. Now I am not sure I can explain what I mean by that or how to choose a type of song. I choose the ones that vibrate my whole body. I turn the volume all the way up. Then I move on to closing the curtains and doors and windows or anything that let light comes in. I don't necessarily have it completely dark, sometimes I leave some light come through, but I make sure I am controlling how much. So what happens is, I am inside this shell of darkness and sound. I no longer exist in the world and the world no longer exists for me. I close my eyes and I let the music guide me. The different waves generated by the song's vibration take over my brain and emanate to my whole body. I move around, dancing if you want to call that dancing, eyes closed, nothing matters. I focus more and more on the song, more and more in each and every single sound. There is no thought, I merely exist and experience the music. At least until my mental disturbances kick in. I feel that if I could focus long enough I would achieve the nirvana, I would arrive to this amazing place, I would finally cross that portal to the other side. But at a certain point my mind goes back to thinking, and it thinks fucked up stuff that invites fear inside. For example: I am alone in my house, everything is closed, I am moving like a crazy person in the dark with my eyes shut, I can't hear anything but the music I am playing and then I become afraid that someone is going to come and attack me with a knife. I get so scared that I have to open my eyes and I go back to ground zero. But why? I don't know... Where does this fear come from? I know no one is going to magically enter my apartment, but yet I can't avoid those thoughts and the feelings they evoke. I think again about that thing I told myself during an yoga session, "just let go", and that's exactly what I am not able to do when I am experiencing music with my eyes closed for so long. I am terrified of loosing control.
In spite of my incapability of loosing my mind, those experiences with music are really satisfying. I move around and I feel my body with much more attention than I would normally. I get goosebumps all over. I approach my hands from my own arms or tights and I feel the heat even before they touch my skin. I become every sensation. And in the end I feel I am a little bit a different person, calmer, rested, reseted.
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